Damper.

I'm still alive. But I'm barely breathing. Things always seem to be taking turns for the worst... it's like God has a huge plan for me, because the obstacles He puts before me grow monumental by the second. Just when I think I have things under control, life spins the other way and I'm gasping to regain my footing. This year has been the hardest for me to deal with, and that saying "things happen for a reason" is slowly slipping from my beliefs. I wake up wondering I'm going to do today. God doesn't answer my prayers anymore... He barely has time to fix things. I barely write anymore, something I used to do religiously as some sort of unloading process. Now everything's pent up inside, shoved in the closet waiting to burst out of control.

I know not what direction to go in... I suppose I'll let the wind take me where I need to land... maybe God will meet me there...

I don't know why...

But I love this song <3

Jones'n!!!!

I have been smoking cigarettes for 5 years now. First it was when I was stressed, then when I was in a social setting, then when I was dome with a meal, which progressed to a waking up ritual. You never see the habit until it's too late. Now I'm going absolutely bonkers trying to quit, and cold turkey is no way to do that. I've tried cold turkey before and it simply made me ape shit. I am, at the moment, about ready to bite Kris' head off for depriving me of that cold menthol breath. I have an addictive personality I'll admit, but Jesus, the cold turkey remedy is not one for the weak of heart and will. Too bad I am both. Curses and such!!!!! I hope I progress tomorrow. God this is awful.

Saving the Dolphins (and other issues)

Yesterday I watched The Cove. In a nutshell, it's a very well put together documentary about the slaughter of thousands and thousands of dolphins off the coast of Taiji in Japan. I get incredibly inspired by these sad stories, I think that it's because my heart is too soft for its own good. Anyways I immediately started a crusade to save them, to save all the dolphins. Uhm. Then I found out I was a month too late, that they didn't need anymore signatures in their petition. I was a bit relieved to know the dolphins were a step closer to being saved from their bloody fates. Then I went to an environmental websites, and found many more issues being neglected by the world. I'm starting to get a headache thinking about it all because I am only one person, and as much as I would love to spread the word about what we can do as a society to band together and dismember each problem and put them to rest, I know this will never be.

Ignorance is bliss. People care about issues to the extent of, "Oh my God, someone should do something about that." Exactly. Someone. Not "we should do something about this." Society places the burden onto others because the world's problems are too great to ponder, because they have other pressing issues to tend to in their pathetic lives, such as what to wear to the next fucking party. Seriously, these are the people I'm surrounded by.

Anyways. Sometimes I wish I never watched The Cove, it infuriates me to see mankind's ugliness. But I cannot shut my eyes and cover my ears. Though the dolphins don't need my help, there are other animals that are being mistreated around the world. I shall press on, as more problems arise, as more injustices are being done... the work of a soldier never ceases.

Trains Go By

The other night I watched a train go by, underneath the moon sliced like an orange. It had hundreds upon hundreds of cars attached to it, like a giant caterpillar of a beast, chugging away into the deep of the night. The ocean glistened all around me like the stars fell into the water. The wind found its way into the crevices of my blanket, and Karen's laughter resounded into the still of the night. It was such a beautiful moment despite the cold.

Especially the train. For some reason it took hold of my heart and made me think of the year. Each car that passed reminded me of an instant within the 12 months of this year... I saw the smiles and tears I've endured. Most of the time I don't have time to reflect, except a few spare seconds of a day. But I need more than that. I'm not used to this, not looking within myself. I miss having constant validation of my actions, it makes me feel more secure. But as I walk alone with my two wobbly feet, I realize just that. I only have my two wobbly feet, and my knobby knees to get my by.

I wans't sure where that train was going, maybe somewhere far away, perhaps it was stopping nearby... it looked so content and strong carrying all that weight. I wish I had the heart of a train and was sure of my destination, silent and vindictive.

I'm more unsure of where I'm going now than ever, I gaze up at the stars not looking for hope or wishes, but... well I'm not sure what I'm looking for exactly... maybe a sign from a higher celestial being, some sort of clue as to what I'm supposed to do in this world.

All I know is, this year's ending, and the ringing of the new year will hopefully drown out the mistakes I've made in the form of alcohol. But my biggest fear is, that they are permanent marks on my heart that cannot be erased.

As the last car on the train passed us by, I wished to run and jump on it... maybe then, it would take me where I needed to go.

Failing.

As of late, I have been coping with a monumental array of bullshit. I can hardly stand it at times, and I have no one to run to, no one to understand my troubles. Everyone I seem to turn to gives me some Mickey Mouse bullshit solution, something easy for them to say in an attempt to comfort me. I appreciate the gestures, but things in this life of mine aren't as easy as it seems. I'm much more complex than people assume. Too often they take me as I present myself, and don't bother to delve between the lines. Sometimes it's better that way. I'm content with dealing with my troubles my own way, battling deep within myself, so my open wounds don't attract flies. But sometimes... like today, I just want to scream to the top of my lungs and run away as fast as my legs will churn. I used to think life was easy. That disillusion has quickly left me this year. I don't know what to do sometimes. All I can do is pray. Eat, pray, love. I wish it was all that easy....

Tonight... I don't know...

As sure-footed as I may seem, I falter within my guarded walls. I frantically scramble to find my way out. My focus is blurred as I scan the horizon. I am losing who I am.... my essence is fading quickly, quickly. I know not how to feel, I know not where to look, I know not who to call. Baby, I need you... I love you more than anything. Remind me who I am, show me the way back home...